Fight the silence

 

I don’t know what to say anymore iv’e gotten to this point in my life where I am unsure what to do. I have been very depressed these few months and have become numb to everything. I no longer feel joy in the things I would before like eating chocolate because it has no taste or going out because i’m afraid of running in to people. I have no friends I can hang out with because they all live far away and to be honest I feel like a burden.

I have begun to give up on a lot of things. I know what your thinking why not talk to someone but sadly it’s not that easy. See my mum is also depressed so if I talk to her about it she uses her catch phrase been there done that and it doesn’t help at all and as for my dad he doesn’t quite understand he thinks he does because when he and my mum spilt he was depressed but sadly there are many types. Mine is because of loneliness and past relationship abuse it starts tearing down walls and leaves you vulnerable and broken, shattered even.

I’m unsure on what to do anymore work use to help but where i’m having health issues I can’t work too much so i’m stuck at home in my head which is making me worse. I’m stuck????

9/11 – We rise and we fall, Tide of the times

For those who don’t know this day, it has been one that has been set in so many peoples memories that it is hard to erase such pain and anger. We have grown to understand this day more and more then we did before, the last moments and the firsts. The day that put everyone to their knees. For this is a day we remember and least of all forget, we remember the brave and we remember those who never made it home and we remember there stories. There is no right way to feel about today or any day really but we move on. We move on and we become greater then we were before, we are less angry and more forgiving. We are less aggressive and more kind. We can be more…

It is what we are good at evolving and sometimes we get it wrong we still hate and discriminate but shouldn’t we learn from what history has taught us of our mistakes. The people that have gotten hurt and have been taken away. We live in a time of knife crime and young children are the ones not coming home and please explain to me how that is any better?. It shouldn’t matter where you come from what you look like or looking someone the wrong way to lose your life. How can our children learn from that, that it’s Ok to take a life because its in right now. We don’t ever forget but we seem to ignore and become shoved in a box by the governments because they don’t want to get involved and as long as they get their pay checks at the end of the day they don’t care about us, the ones that are homeless but are accused of being in that position because of drugs and alcohol but who do you think put them there? rent goes up, prices of food goes up its like there killing off the weak.

We are falling apart with ourselves and we are ignoring the bigger picture not taking care of the one place that can stand us. Earth. It’s dying because we made it, we make it bleed every single day and no one seems to bat an eyelid because as long as its not happening now it doesn’t matter because we wont be there. we need to be better to each other and make every day count and smile more and enjoy the little things.

Enjoy life for you but also for those who can not be there to enjoy their own.

“Take a deep breath. It’s a bad day, not a bad life”

 

Please read to understand.

So how do I start…..

These past few weeks have been full of many emotion and not all good if i’m being honest. So I was with this guy who was full of poison, he treated me like shit basically not gonna sugar coat it but, to me he was perfect until I saw who he really was. He lied and cheated and abused me mentally. Made me feel like shit on his shoe and for so long I believed I was. Now bare in mind I suffer from depression so hearing all these things made it pile up until I couldn’t breath. I was a waste of space friendless,hurt and suffering.

We were together for just over a year and that was when it all went down hill. He had crohn’s disease so his stomach couldn’t take certain things but it got to the point where he wouldn’t listen to anyone and made himself ill. He skipped meals and didn’t drink enough and got himself in hospital. Then there were his parent who are two faced and controlling. They made sure I had no say in anything but, the guy I was dated did everything he was told by his parents because he had no backbone. Now bare in mind he is 20 years old and he stills asks permission to leave his house. I found out after all this time he was ‘Autistic’ even tho he was never tested so that is a load of bull. It was just something so his mummy could baby him which he enjoyed not only that but she didn’t like me because I was ‘taking’ him away from her.

It then got to the point where the mother wanted me and him to break up so he broke up with me but we kept talking in secret but he blocked me off of facebook on mummy’s say so. Then being the baby he was every time something didn’t go his way he would block me off everything which made me feel shit and alone and worthless. His mum supposedly threaten to call the police on me for harassment ?? So he put me in his phone under a different name and I could only call him when his parents were in bed so 10pm at night. So I had to stay up till then and make sure I couldn’t do anything to talk to him. He also said to his dad that no one would ever want him even tho I had been there since the very beginning.

For him then to only say he had no feelings for me and wasn’t interested and that I bullied him and made him feel worthless because I was helping him with his chrons. So now I was the bad guy so I called it off and said it wasn’t fair and that he was a horrible person for playing with peoples feelings. Then I found out not even a week later he was dating some other girl baring in mind when we broke it off he was a walking talking skeleton because of what he had done to himself. He told me he wanted to focus on himself and didn’t want to date anyone. So this just goes to show how low and horrible this guy was, But do you know what i’ve learnt is that he is a disgusting perv and a borderline rapist because when we were dating he complained that he had stomach pain because of his chrone’s and that it really hurt but not even a minute later he forced his hand down my trousers so he could get his feel even tho I told him NO and I didn’t want to it didn’t stop him it took him five minutes to actually remove his hand and now his dating a minor that boy only wants one thing because all he does is think with his dick he is nothing but a fuck boy who I hope karma comes for him.

So ladies and gentlemen that’s how my life is now. Please make sure to end up with someone who will treat you right and not be a pawn in someone else’s game.

Thank you for reading 🙂

Soothsayer

Who am I?

I am like you. I am someone who seeks adventure. I am one who wants life.

I struggle sometimes seeing where my life is going because at times it can be chaos and at times when i’m at my lowest I feel so low i’m trapped and i can’t breath. I open my eyes and i’m in a box and its suffocating me and those time are where I am at my weakest. I forget who to trust and where I am. There are times when I go to sleep where my nightmares take over and I become consumed but all this hate and poison, that’s when I start to realise that i’m the poison. I am the reason why everyone around me is hurting, because I can never and will never be good enough.

Who is good enough?

I’m not that’s for sure because I see everyday what i’m doing to people and there is nothing I can do to stop it. How do I stop spreading this virus? how do I find myself again or is that not possible anymore? You may not agree with me and that’s fine but the thing is I can feel something inside me that want to get out and I know that if I let it I will forever become alone. Maybe i’m better off alone after all didn’t we come into this world alone.

 

Happy Days :)

So I thought It was time for a change of scenery…

Even though there is bad things happening in the world right now, I want everyone to know that life goes on and there is never really an end to anything. We have two choices in this life which is to either give up and give in or fight for our happiness. We might be stepped on but that is never the end, if people gave up to easy where would we be? We are a society that is blinded by hate and disrespect and only the brave fight against these rights that have been ripped away.

I don’t want people to hate because if people didn’t have there own opinions then we wouldn’t have the need to fight or to protect. We wouldn’t speak for those who can’t, we would be nothing but a bland society, just sheep in the field. If history has taught us anything it’s that there were a lot of great people throughout history who never gave up. They never gave in because they knew that life goes on and the world will be brighter one day. That’s the thing though isn’t it we never know when or if the world will be equal or peaceful but that doesn’t mean we give up hope. A better life is out there we just have to create it. Together.

We’re all expendable. We think the world’s going to stop when a pope dies, or a king. And then… life goes on. – Sylvester Stallone

Scars

Pretty.Beautiful.Lovely.Nice.

Words we used to much but never enough for the right reasons. We break, we fall but we rise that’s what all this is about. Not letting people get us down on things we believe are what makes us who we are. We are all misguided on a beautiful world.

The definition for beautiful means;  possessing qualities that give great pleasure or satisfaction to see, hear, think about. Nowhere in that description does it say to bully or torment someone who wishes to just be them self. But, that’s just what this world has come to though hasn’t it , people hiding who they are just because they want to blend into a society that has been so broken down we have become hateful and bitchy. We have become detestable that WE have created racism, homophobia, sexist and just plan spiteful. 

Why would anyone want to be apart of that when we can do some much better, so much greater?

“No, you don’t know what it’s like,
When nothing feels all right,
You don’t know what it’s like
To be like me
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you’re down
To feel like you’ve been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one’s there to save you
No, you don’t know what it’s like
Welcome to my life”
― Simple Plan

There’s A Love

Nature has a way of reminding us that we are far from safe, that we will always be on edge of what can happen. Everyday we are hit by whatever it can throw at us but, we have no way of protecting ourselves. Hurricanes,floods to earthquakes and tornadoes, a natural event which can leave us frozen with fear and buried to the bone with dread. The terror of losing the ones we hold dear to us and the ever unknowing reality of what can be.

We scream, we cry and we blame whoever or whatever we can for these terrible events but we never forget them. We remember them no matter how much time has pasted, We become stronger because we come together. We work together and we rebuild a new beginning and we NEVER give up. We never give up on the ones who need us the most and we all become someones shoulder to cry on.

No matter where we are in the world we all come together and we encourage each other to carry on. To treat life like a gift and to remember everyone we have lost and keep there memory with us where every time may take us.

“Bad things do happen in the world, like war, natural disasters, disease. But out of those situations always arise stories of ordinary people doing extraordinary things.” – Daryn Kagan

Unbound

Sometimes we are in need for peace and tranquillity, the need for wanting silence. When things go wrong we learn we are no longer in control of the outcome. We learn that peace is for those who seek it. We all want adventure and excitement something that keeps us from reality. After-all we don’t get to choose when we die, we only get to choose how we live.

So we live to the fullest by doing everything we possibly can to be happy, to burn the brightest and smile the most. We all deserve to be unbound, released from all our troubles and have a chance for our smile to actually mean a smile. A chance to quit acting like everything is okay so we can all be released. Only then can we become bright and reach our embrace. Learn from what you don’t understand because understanding is key.

“Life is about embracing your destiny and leaving a mark on the world”

 

 

Life Adaptations

Dystopia – A world where a place or state in which everything is unpleasant or bad, typically a totalitarian or environmentally degraded one.

Today’s world is on it’s edge. They say Black lives matter or white lives matter but why does it have to be one or the other why not ALL LIVES MATTER?

They say it’s wrong for people to love each other of the same sex but what’s it to them. Sometimes we don’t have a choice on how we feel or who we love, love is love and it matters. How is it okay for guys to think that two woman together is okay but then find to guys together disgusting ?

They say religion is baloney. Who are we to say if it is or iif its not, religion comes down to belief so now it’s wrong to believe?

We act on what people say and we shouldn’t these are OUR lives, our lives we waste on caring what people think. The way we look, our life choices but, that’s what they are OUR life choices no one elses.  We destroy and discriminate against each other based on skin colour or religion or our relationship status and yet we don’t see the damage it does to all those around us. The broken family’s left in tears, the heartbreaking people who kill themselves because there afraid to be who they are. The will they lose everyday because of harsh words and actions towards them. This is not a great world but a broken one, this is not the great human race we have been lead to believe. We have all heard about all the amazing leaders that have lead throughout history and the wrong choices made in the past yet we don’t learn from them.

We are so blinding in hate we forget how to love and forgive and to be kind and happy towards each other. We forget to be human we are NOT animals, yet we act exactly like them. We are greedy and selfish all the trades we don’t need and soon all will be left is the broken dystopia in our wake. We can be great again if only we point out the real problems in this world.

“Hate looks like everybody else until it smiles”
― Tahereh Mafi

Conclusion

I’ve had some catching up to do and some discovering, time to think about what’s real and what’s not because sometimes that’s the one battle we can’t seem to win. It all comes down to what we want not what we have, some of us are ignront that we forget life is mealy only the start to what we can discover not about ourselves but about everything in general. Like space,planets,stars and other forms of life and maybe there are still things on this planets we haven’t discovered yet. The conclusion of the matter is the fact there isn’t one, there is no end even if we are not here to wittness it.

Life is not just about humans or animals it’s about everything that  breathes, everything that is around us. Sometimes looking out into the stars helps us realise that our problems are not really that big and thats okay because only then do we realise there are bigger things out there wherever they may be and i’m not saying our problems don’t matter i’m just saying sometimes we need to see the bigger picture. The picture that is our very own history – the world as we know it.

“Look up at the stars and not down at your feet. Try to make sense of what you see, and wonder about what makes the universe exist. Be curious.” – Stephen Hawking